Instead of always pushing your own agenda, try listening.
In Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life, Rule number 9 says it this way: “Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t.” That’s what a good conversation is all about.
Have you ever tried this with your spouse? It is not about winning, but about understanding. I know, I hate it too, especially when I know I’m right. :)
There is a bit of a discrepancy between how fast we talk (on average 100-130 words/minute) and how fast we can listen (on average about 450 words/minute). This is why our mind wonders a bit when someone is talking. This is also how we guess what they are going to say before they say it. This gets really bad with people we are in a relationship with because our brain starts assuming from past conversations what they are going to say or react. But when we do this we are NOT listening to understand, rather we are not listening at all.
Honestly, I’m kinda a big mouth so learning to shut up and listen has been a challenge for me! I had to give up the assumption that I could listen with one ear while I am doing something else. In reality, when I do this, I miss very important information. I miss all the little non-verbals, I miss using empathy to help connect. I basically miss the majority of the conversation. I have had to really work on my multitasking addiction.
Effective listeners use brain capacity to improve their listening. Instead of letting their brain wander, they use the processing time to focus on what the speaker is actually saying.
Sometimes we are so caught up in our own assumptions that we don’t even hear what the individual is saying! Worse yet, if our assumptions are negative we create an argument/disconnection.
Become aware of what you are doing to your relationships!
If you work diligently on your active listening you might be surprised by how much you can change your relationship without the other person doing one single thing!
One step better try listening without “SACing” your partner! Another therapist I follow, Dr. Abby Medcalf says, “when you SAC (suggest, advise, criticize) you harm your relationships”
Follow up on Instagram for daily thoughts and insights. @mind_helm