Now that the holidays are over it might have highlighted just how messy relationships can be.
I work with many couples that express that they are not aware of how to communicate in a way that fosters connection. Many times, we get stuck in negative patterns that are on autopilot. It’s like the music starts and we get into position and start the dance. When we get stuck in these negative dance patterns, it becomes difficult to feel connected to each other. And let’s be honest, identifying the pattern is difficult too! That is one of the reasons why couples therapy is so powerful. Negative patterns develop easily but changing them takes a bit of work.
Emotions are the built-in organizers of our inner world and our dances with one another. We can learn to identify the emotions that are running our behaviors and our automatic responses and learn to change the dance.
I find that fear is a big emotion that often starts up the negative pattern. Have you ever been caught up in fear and responded from that emotion without even thinking? I know I sure have. And then afterwards you wonder what it was all about. It’s because the fear organized your response and your perception.
Learning to slow the emotion down in order to identify it takes some work. But the work it takes and the awareness it brings is empowering and will start to change how you connect with others. Next time you have a reaction, ask yourself what it is you are feeling and where you feel it in your body. Once you are able to identify the softer emotion it becomes easier to reach out to your partner for connection.
If you need help with this, because it’s not easy to do alone, call me and let’s do a consultation. This process becomes life changing when you do it with your partner so that you both can begin to change that negative dance you do (you know, that one that leaves you feeling alone and disconnected).