This week at coping skills class we learned about active listening.
Did you know that on average, most people only remember about 17-25% of what they hear? What does this mean for us? Well, it means we naturally are not very good at listening. But why are we so bad at listening?
We are often triggered by words we hear, causing our thoughts to race and distract us from truly listening to what is being said. Learning to listen NON-DEFENSIVELY is a skill we must practice often.
Here are some tips for when you start feeling defensive during a conversation:
* SELF SOOTHE. Try thinking something like this, “I don’t want to ignore this person’s pain. I have to try to understand where they are coming from”
* SLOW DOWN AND BREATHE. Focus on relaxing your body. Lower your shoulders and relax your jaw.
* NOTICE YOUR INTERPRETATIONS. Ask yourself, “what am I trying to protect?”. Remember, your partner’s complaint is about their needs, not yours.
* ASK THEM TO SAY IT IN A DIFFERENT WAY. Phrase this in a way that won’t cause them to become defensive. For example, “I’m feeling defensive by what you are saying. Is there a way you could say it differently so I can understand your needs?”
* TAKE A BREAK. Even 20 minutes away from the conversation can help you to listen better.
Be careful to listen without judgement. Ask questions that promote discovery and insight. Make the speaker feel supported so they can fully express their thoughts and give non-defensive feedback. All these things are qualities “good listeners” possess.
If you want to challenge yourself. Try listening to someone (or something) with your eyes closed. You will be surprised how the elimination of distraction will help you focus and listen better.
Remember, one of the biggest gifts we can give someone is the gift of being heard.